ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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