my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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