i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
