Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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