His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
