If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
