I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
