Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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