I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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