The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Everything about him screamed your future.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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