If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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