You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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