You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
