last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
