Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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