i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
she woke up with a sticky ear
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
