she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
