should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
