Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...