How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You can't special order awesome
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
