Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
