that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
