"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
