if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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