Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
