I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Randomize
