Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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