Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
