he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
