so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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