her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
the gays at disneyland are vicious
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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