You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
