My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
