you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
