Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
