I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
