Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
