i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
