He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
