i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
