There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
