I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
