Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
