just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
