what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
