Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
