once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
