true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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