one might say we're banned from that church
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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