Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
