hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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