yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
