i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
MIDGETS
????
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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