the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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