All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
