I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
