I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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