I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
