I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
